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REVIEW: I WATCHED 'TROLLS WORLD TOUR' WITH THE GUY LIVING IN MY BASEMENT AND WE HAD A BLAST!4/15/2020 By: Nick Staniewicz
As we're going through tough times with the Gina Carano Virus, many movies have been delayed until theaters rise back up. One movie however, decided to take a new route. Instead of making any money from theaters, Universal took "Trolls: World Tour" onto digital platforms. Now you can watch the much anticipated sequel with your annoying kids without disrupting anybody else's theater experience. Although I find the first Trolls movie was a charming surprise, their was no excitement over this new one. However, my bank account would say otherwise as I found a twenty dollar payment for "Trolls World Tour". There was no way this was possible. Out of nowhere, I could "Can't Stop The Feeling" by Justin Timberlake blasting from downstairs. I run down the basement only to find a man sitting in my recliner, tapping his feet to Trolls World Tour. He immediately paused the movie when he saw me. I told him to not be afraid and asked him if I could join. Thankfully, he said yes. So we started the movie back to the beginning and watched all the way through. And we both had a great time with the film. The animation is eye candy as the first one with great covers to old rock music. James Corden did a cover to Don't Stop Believing by Journey and it apparently did not make my ears bleed once. As the movie was over, I talked for a while with the guy living in my basement. He said his name was Charles and has been living in the walls of our house ever since the housing market crashed back in 2008. Needless to say, I had to kick him out but he seemed pretty nice. Might invite him to my birthday next time. Anyways, go check out "Trolls: World Tour" RATING: 8.5/10
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Review by: Cameron Carmike
Produced by Warner Bros. Animation, "Small Foot' tells a tale of a yeti named 'Migo' (Channing Tatum) who has kept a big secret with him for many years. His secret? He has a fetish for small feet. During one ravenous adventure, Migo finds himself coming across a human named Percy (James Corden) who left his hometown after his ex-wife took the kids. Together, Migo and Percy start to form a bond of friendship and trust all within the workings of a musical. Coming into this film, I had no idea what to expect. A movie about cartoon yetis? Pass. However, the film becomes something more. The character of Migo having a serious foot fetish was something I could relate to because I myself have a very serious foot fetish. And I think many other people who have foot fetishes can also relate to this. In other words, this is like the 'Love, Simon' of foot fetish people. A movie that gives a voice to the voiceless. Then coming out of this film, I started to have kink for Yeti Feet. In a way this movie really changed me. Not to mention some great musical numbers like when Migo break dances to Post Malone or something. Overall, I absolutely recommend 'SmallFoot'. It's a great family flick as well as a movie with representation that Hollywood has been overlooking for the past decades. God bless Warner Bros. Animation and god bless 'Small Foot'. RATING: 5.5/5 To be fair, I have never actually seen any of these Jurassic movies. Maybe a smidge of the third one but that was it. So coming into this latest installment, I really had no expectations. I was only dragged by my very close friend, Davis. And we're very very close. Almost to the point where we should be more than just friends. But he doesn't want to talk about it.
During my experience, I was blown away by the thrills and chills of this summer blockbuster. What got me most was the mighty T-rex that appeared halfway into the movie. I was confused as to how it was possible to have a T-rex in a movie. I remember being taught in the second grade that T-rex's were like... dead. And then it REALLY got me thinking: Hollywood can throw a ton of money by bringing back the T-rex only to please the movie going audience. However, they won't spend a dime trying to figure out what happen to those passengers on Flight 370 of Malaysia airlines. It's been over five years and yet we still have not discovered one single living soul. A few people in my theater started giving me dirty looks when I was spouting these statements. Then my friend, Davis had to calm me down saying the T-rex was fake and was made from computers. I would like to think what he was saying was true but it was too impossible. There's no way you can make a fucking T-rex out of computers. Although 'Jurassic World: Kingdom of the Crystal Skull' has a few character flaws, it was still nothing but a good old grand time at the movies. Grab your popcorn, sip on that soda, and watch the must-see movie of the summer. It really is crazy how they can bring back extinct animals from the dead. Anyways, what are your thoughts on Jurassic World: Kingdom Hearts? Do you like dinosaurs? What do you think happened to those passengers on Flight 370? Let us know in the comments and be sure to follow us on twitter. RATING: 4/10 By Wyatt J.P
So the highly anticipated Fox film, New Mutants has hit theaters today. I went out to see the film with my wife and her boyfriend however I was quite put off by something. It appeared that the entirety of the film was a completely blank screen. We were the only ones in the theater which was weird. It’s an X-men-ish kinda sorta movie you’d expect the theater to be full. We sat there in our seats for about 1hr 48mins. We figured the movie was over when the owner of the theater told us to leave. It was quite an interesting idea for a flick, but I left quite disappointed as I really wanted to see Charlie Heaton’s vagina. 6/10 would watch with wife and boyfriend again. By An Angry Parent
I had the displeasure of seeing the movie Love, Simon with my amazing son who is a gay. And let me tell you this movie pissed me off. There was no mention of Kronk’s New Groove in this movie. It is 2018! We have a gay lead character but no reference to the animated Patrick Warburton classic?! Is this really the world we want to leave behind for our children? I swear this movie was probably made by white guy who hasn’t the slightest knowledge of South American culture. I swear this made me wanna HOG HUG the asshole of whoms’tever made this abomination of mankind. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go teach my son about cum and Kronk Star Wars: The Last Jedi is directed by former N-Sync member, Rian Johnson and stars the people from the last film. In this installment, we follow up from where the Force Awakens ended. Rey is now training with Luke Skywalker while other stuff happens as well but I don't wanna get into that. However, what I can say is that it ends on a cliffhanger. As the credits rolled, I found myself quite confused. The movie is titled "Star Wars: The LAST Jedi". When you put the word "LAST" in your name, I would assume it would be the final chapter in a series. You know, like The LAST Airbender. It seems Lucasfilm can't even keep a promise when it comes to these movies. They just want to continue shitting out these Star Wars movies until they stop making money. Overall, Star Wars was a decent action flick with a VERY misleading title. RATING: 4/10 Justice league would've been a much better film if it was replaced with marvel characters.11/15/2017 I honestly cannot get into the DCEU or whatever the fuck they call it. It's just a bunch of lame dark 2 and a half hour movies filled with characters who have like daddy issues and shit. Except for Suicide Squad which had amazing music. So now as I traveled inside the theater to watch Zack Snyder's next disaster, I wasn't expecting anything at all. But as the credits rolled and the lights came on, I pondered and thought to myself... that was okay. I started to really think on what they were missing. Then it hit me. This movie didn't have Ant -Man or Captain America or Nick Fury. In the movie, these characters like Fake Woke Woman and Flash start to banter and crack jokes just like a Marvel movie. So why wasn't it just a Marvel movie? Why give us these characters I've never been introduced to when we already have developed characters from another studio? Another thing I didn't like about this movie is that the main bad guy, Step Up 3D wolf, had an Anti- Transgender policy he wanted to bring down onto planet earth. I know people thought it was woven in the movie just fine but it was a little off to me. But hey... that's just me. Overall, this movie was mediocre and would've been a much more cohesive story if they just replaced them with like some of the Marvel characters. Also, if you look very closely, you can tell the VFX department forgot to cgi out Henry Cavil's pubes. Rating: 2/10 By Wyatt J.P
The alt-right Batman has a trailer out and it's badass bro. And proof that the black people aren't the only ones who got it a little rough. The Punisher trailer shows that a white man can have it just as bad as a black Latino Asian gay tranny Muslim. Thank god we finally have an icon who looks like us and deals with the same every day problems as us on the small screen. Andrew Breitbart would be so proud of how far we have come. Thank you President Trump for making all of this possible. The title 'American Assassin' pretty much sums up the movie. He's an assassin and he's American. There. That's all you need to know. However, the word American was put into the title made me very curious. Walking out of the movie, I realized it's an average action thriller with a generic plot and super bland leads. But... it's pro- American which makes me like it even more. The villains is this movie are dirty Muslims and Isrealians or whatever those evil brown people are called. There was a cool scene where the lead white guy was chasing one of those ISIS motherfuckers and shot him right in the head. I did the honor to stand up and cheer. That scene right there symbolizes the U.S.A and what makes my country so great. Also, the dead wife was super hot. Rating: 8.5/10 New Line Cinema needs to stop clowning around and start making actual good horror movies. The Conjuring movies are just lame and stupid. The same goes for the latest remake of The Stephen King classic 'IT'. The whole point of a horror movie is to be scared and jump out of your seat. Not once in this movie did a girl look in the mirror then move the mirror and the clown pops up followed by a very loud violin noise. That would've made me shit myself right there. Instead, we get a director who wanted to make the movie look pretty and shit and have likable characters and tension and ugh. Just boring. Like honestly, who fucking cares? The audience isn't there to look at a nice looking film with great cinematography and good actors. We're only in the movie for one simple reason. FOR US TO GET SCARED. That's all there is to it. I'm getting tired of these recent horror movies trying to do something new and different. It's ridiculous. What's even worse is that people are going to fall for this. Like a guy beside me got a heart attack in the middle of the movie. Wow. Really? Overall, this movie is garbage. Possibly the worst movie of the year. You know what? No IT is the worst movie of the year. Fuck you New Line Cinema. RATING: -5/10 |
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