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It's finally here. The long awaited sequel to the surprise hit of 2014. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 stars the same people exact people from the first one and directed by James Gunn who also directed the previous one. Now I got to see this movie by pirate- I mean I saw it in a theater. That's right a theater. Boy oh boy, there's a lot to say about this film. Before I start, I just want to state that I absolutely hated the original Guardians of the Galaxy. Not because there were problems but only because everyone I talked to adored it. It got on my nerves. I had to abandoned my friends and family because of their love for it too. First off, my biggest problem was the make-up. The only person without make up was straight white male lead, Chris Pratt. As I was watching this on my compu- I mean local theater, I thought to myself "Wow. That's a lot of makeup. They worked so hard on that make up instead of actually making a solid comic book" Just pathetic. Did they really need to paint Zoe Saldana's tits green? Was the girl who played blue lady actually bald? And most importantly, why did they paint over Dwayne the Rock Johnson? He's a big name, he doesn't need to have paint all over him. Another thing is the father/son aspect. Seeing Kurt Russell as the dad was like a slap in the face to Orphans around the globe. Once Orphans see this, they're gonna be absolutely offended and walk out of the theater. I know they just wanted to have emotion and backstory into these characters but not like this. Anything but this. Marvel needs to know that not everybody has a dad. Some of them are probably dead. Overall, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 is a shameful sequel and you should be ashamed if you come out liking it. Rating: Vol. 2/10
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(Movie review) sMURFS: THE LOST VILLAGE Made me less insecure about my fetish for blue people.4/6/2017 Listen, I love the Smurfs. My first sex doll was a Smurfette plush. Right at the age of 12, I started to feel tingly things inside my pants. And that always happened when I starred at Smurfette. 2009, Avatar came along and my God, the Navi's were so attractive. Then came the live action Smurf movies. Everyone found the Smurfs to look absolutely horrific and frightening. Personally, I found them to be gorgeous. Fuck what every one else said. I was a bit nervous with this one but after seeing the film, my worries were gone. The Smurfs are hot alright? Yes, even the male smurfs. Don't judge my sexuality you Smurfin prick. The look of the Smurfs are very sexy but besides that, the movie is great. They actually go deep into social commentary on gender, immigration, etc. They even make some great jokes about social media by having them say "hashtag" throughout the movie. It's funny because they don't use internet. That made me laugh my smurf off. Also, one part I got a massive erection when Nosey Smurf came on the screen. I also came on the screen as well. Oh I mean... Smurfed on the screen. My bad. Overall, this movie was one smurf of a ride and if you don't like it then you can go Smurf yourself. Rating: 10/10 By Wyatt J.P The latest installment of AIDS-oh sorry I mean Fast and Furious is one of the most highly anticipated films of 2017 (well if you're a Trump supporter) This movie is one of the most anti-environmental things I've ever seen. It's bad enough that Trump is destroying our environment (I don't know that for sure. But the Huffington Post said it so it has to be true.) But the fact that we're supposed to have fun with it makes me want to my mouth on a tail pipe with the car on. This movie does nothing but show a bunch of criminals disguised as the heroes pumping carbon emissions into the air. You do realize those emissions will NEVER go away right? That's what CNN says. Vin Diesel should be ashamed. I'm so glad Paul Walker is dead so we don't have another heartless pig destroying our environment that has been around for millions and millions of years. But what did you expect they're both white. As you can see I thought this movie about as enjoyable as Trump's inauguration I give it a -0/10 |
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September 2018
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