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The Despicable Me movies have been some of the most original and awe inspiring animated films we've had in a very long time. With many clever gags and remarkable characters, there's no reason to stop now. Or is there?
Just kidding. There is no reason. Despicable Me 3, which is the fourth installment into the Illumination franchise is just as good or even better than the others. Well, from the stuff that I saw. You see, this movie is just pure family friendly entertainment. And that's the type of shit that really gets me on. There were so many great moments inside this film that makes you realize this is a film for the whole family. Just saying that gets me hard. Whenever, Balthazar Bratt showed up and made very clean and goofy jokes, I got fully erect. Huge boner popping right up from my shorts. All the kids and their parents were laughing. It was just so fantastic. However, the mother right beside kind of noticed and told the manager. So now, I can't go back to that theater anymore. Oh well. For what it is, Despicable M3 is definitely worth the price of admission. The animation is great, the characters are great as usual, and of course the soundtrack by Bruno Mars is top notch. Rating: 10.5/10
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It's no secret that I unironically love the Transformers movies. Every movie seems to grow more in depth and complex than the one before. However, it seems as if people around have been tired of this franchise. Already? I mean, it's only the fifth installment. Anyways, I tried to convince my father to go see it with me. He said no. Then I tried to convince my mother. She denied as well. And with my friends in Prison, I have nobody to sit along side me during 2hrs and 30 mins of pure cinematic erection. The last option I could do was just snatch a kid from the local elementary school and drive him to the theater. Which is exactly what I did.
His name is Peter and man, he such a very nice kid. He even payed for his own ticket. We sat down, choked down popcorn and watched possibly one of the best movies of the past two months. After that, I took him back to his house and floored it as his mom was about to walk up to me. So... here are my initial thoughts on Transformers: The Last Knight - A Michael Bay film. First off, Mr. Bay never seems to let us down with visuals. Boy, he brought his a-game. There was one time Bumblebee was fighting a Decepticon wearing a Sombrero (guess you could call it a SpicBot) going in slo-mo. It was so fucking badass. And can't forget the time the John Goodman Transformer was doing it doggy style with Grimlock. I'm not sure if that's technically bestiality but who cares? They were robots and it looked awesome. The performances and writing were phenomenal. Akiva Goodsman delivers a screenplay that makes Sorkin look a bag of rat shit covered in a hooker's gonorrhea. Mark Wahlberg gives so much depth into his character uhh, shit what's his name? Doesn't matter. And there was like a 14 year old girl in this who I think is the girl who voiced Moana. She was very good and also kind of hot. Anthony Hopkins while sleepwalking throughout the movie still gives his best and shows us why he's Anthony Hopkins. The only negative I had about this was the British chick played by Emily Blunt. Her breasts weren't large enough and her ass was mediocre. Hell, the little girl was more impressive. If i go see a Transformers film, I need a lady with a little bit of junk in her trunk. Overall, Transformers: The Last Knight was spectacular and I hope those squinty eyes in Asia give this all their money so we get at least twelve more of these. I know you stupid Americans won't go see this but yet you almost voted for Hillary so suck my balls. RATING : 9.7/10 I went to see this movie, expecting to laugh my ass off while also getting a ROCK hard erection from the fat du- I mean women with huge breasts. Did I get all that stuff? Yes, but not in the good way. You see, I assumed the line for this movie was going to be a decent crowd. Boy was I wrong. The crowd was so huge, it ended outside. And what made it worse is that I forgot to put on sunscreen. The sun hit me hard. Like I was his bitch or something.
Overall, I recommend Baywatch (2017). Did the movie deliver funny dick jokes? Yes. Was the fat gu- I mean big booby girls very attractive? Absolutely. Just don't see this movie with your face fucking scorched by the sun. Rating: 7/10 (Unreel Review) “Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales” makes me want to be dead.5/22/2017 By: Clank
“Dead Men Tell No Tales” is the fifth installment in the Pirates franchise, and stars Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow once again, and Javier Bardeem as the villainous Salazar. The movie is about Pirates! And… that's it! The movie has literally nothing else to offer. I’m not sure how to drag out this review since there's nothing else to tlak about… Oh yeah! This movie makes me want to be dead. I never had any expectations for this movie, and yet, I’m still disappointed. The movie is literally a copy and paste from the first movies, just like the one before it. That ALONE makes me suicidal. There's very little meat on its bones in terms of story, it's just 3 guys having banter with each other for around two hours. That's it. Uhhhhhhhhhhhh shit. I got nothin today, folks. By: Clank
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Alien: Covenant is the 6th entry in the Alien franchise and is directed by it's original creator, Ridley Scott. The film is about a crew of people investigating a planet they think could be the next gateway to human evolution and population, but the path to paradise quickly leads to hell after realizing that there's a killer species lurking about, taking out the crew of the Covenant one by one. At least, I think, because I never saw this movie. But I still fucking hate it regardless. As a matter of fact, I never saw the original films, either. I'm not a fan of the horror genre because I become too much of a pussy to sit in a dark room and watch a work of fiction that makes me jump out of my seat that I'll eventually forget about by the end of the day. That's just too much for me, so I watched the trailers. They were boring. There were a serious lack of explosions and action, plus the Alien looked like something a masochistic porn artist would draw if he felt REALLY horny. The acting was cliche and the scares were predictable as hell. The worst part, by far, is how they completely wasted Michael Fassbender. He did nothing other than act like a creepy robot. Pathetic. Don't watch this. I sure didn't, and you shouldn't, too. I never really had the chance to go see Guy Ritchie's latest film, King Arthur: Legend of the Sword. Also, I didn't really bother to even try and go see it. I've heard many bad things about this film so I was wondering if any of my classmates went to check it out. Apparently, one student did. Surprised too considering the movie has only made like 20 dollars at the box office. His name is Toby Bushwack. I never really talked to him that much but he seems like a nice fella. Kind of good looking too. Anyways, this is what he stated: "Yeah it was good... not great. But good". That sentence right there now made me interested in this movie. Anyways, have you seen King Arthur: Legend of the Sword? Are you a fan of Guy Ritchie? Let us know in the comments and be sure to stay Awesometacular. It's finally here. The long awaited sequel to the surprise hit of 2014. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 stars the same people exact people from the first one and directed by James Gunn who also directed the previous one. Now I got to see this movie by pirate- I mean I saw it in a theater. That's right a theater. Boy oh boy, there's a lot to say about this film. Before I start, I just want to state that I absolutely hated the original Guardians of the Galaxy. Not because there were problems but only because everyone I talked to adored it. It got on my nerves. I had to abandoned my friends and family because of their love for it too. First off, my biggest problem was the make-up. The only person without make up was straight white male lead, Chris Pratt. As I was watching this on my compu- I mean local theater, I thought to myself "Wow. That's a lot of makeup. They worked so hard on that make up instead of actually making a solid comic book" Just pathetic. Did they really need to paint Zoe Saldana's tits green? Was the girl who played blue lady actually bald? And most importantly, why did they paint over Dwayne the Rock Johnson? He's a big name, he doesn't need to have paint all over him. Another thing is the father/son aspect. Seeing Kurt Russell as the dad was like a slap in the face to Orphans around the globe. Once Orphans see this, they're gonna be absolutely offended and walk out of the theater. I know they just wanted to have emotion and backstory into these characters but not like this. Anything but this. Marvel needs to know that not everybody has a dad. Some of them are probably dead. Overall, Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2 is a shameful sequel and you should be ashamed if you come out liking it. Rating: Vol. 2/10 (Movie review) sMURFS: THE LOST VILLAGE Made me less insecure about my fetish for blue people.4/6/2017 Listen, I love the Smurfs. My first sex doll was a Smurfette plush. Right at the age of 12, I started to feel tingly things inside my pants. And that always happened when I starred at Smurfette. 2009, Avatar came along and my God, the Navi's were so attractive. Then came the live action Smurf movies. Everyone found the Smurfs to look absolutely horrific and frightening. Personally, I found them to be gorgeous. Fuck what every one else said. I was a bit nervous with this one but after seeing the film, my worries were gone. The Smurfs are hot alright? Yes, even the male smurfs. Don't judge my sexuality you Smurfin prick. The look of the Smurfs are very sexy but besides that, the movie is great. They actually go deep into social commentary on gender, immigration, etc. They even make some great jokes about social media by having them say "hashtag" throughout the movie. It's funny because they don't use internet. That made me laugh my smurf off. Also, one part I got a massive erection when Nosey Smurf came on the screen. I also came on the screen as well. Oh I mean... Smurfed on the screen. My bad. Overall, this movie was one smurf of a ride and if you don't like it then you can go Smurf yourself. Rating: 10/10 By Wyatt J.P The latest installment of AIDS-oh sorry I mean Fast and Furious is one of the most highly anticipated films of 2017 (well if you're a Trump supporter) This movie is one of the most anti-environmental things I've ever seen. It's bad enough that Trump is destroying our environment (I don't know that for sure. But the Huffington Post said it so it has to be true.) But the fact that we're supposed to have fun with it makes me want to my mouth on a tail pipe with the car on. This movie does nothing but show a bunch of criminals disguised as the heroes pumping carbon emissions into the air. You do realize those emissions will NEVER go away right? That's what CNN says. Vin Diesel should be ashamed. I'm so glad Paul Walker is dead so we don't have another heartless pig destroying our environment that has been around for millions and millions of years. But what did you expect they're both white. As you can see I thought this movie about as enjoyable as Trump's inauguration I give it a -0/10 |
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