What was once a happy and subtle fan base has now become a nation divided. Ever since the release of Rian Johnson's The Last Jedi, it's been all war and no love. More like all Star War am I right? Ahem anyways, it seems as if this franchise needs to take another direction and please the REAL fans that have grown up with this series ever since the release of Revenge of the Sith. Since I know so much about how the movie making business works, here are six easy step to fix the 'Star Wars' universe and all without having to use the devil's pill known as birth control. 1) EAT MORE FRUIT It's important to have protein in your diet. People have always told me that eating an apple a day keeps the doctor away. And they are one hundred percent correct. I've began eating apples ever since my sophomore year in High School and I haven't seen a doctor since. Well, except for that time where I witnessed my Uncle Chester die in a Hospital bed. God rest that poor soul. But this isn't about him, this is about you. Please eat more fruit. 2) EXCERCISE You must always be active. It's the only way that you'll stay alive. If you're not a big fan of running, just walk. Hell, just walk a mile. Then the next day walk two miles. Then the day after that walk three miles. Sign up for a gym and get on the treadmill. Life isn't going to happen if you don't 3) PRAY God is the center of the world and the creator of human existence. Without God, there would be nothing. Everyday I pray to God and thank him for how truly grateful I am for this life and the people surrounding me. If you don't accept God into your life, then where will you go? 4) BUY OUR MERCHANDISE Now is the best time to go to the Unreel News store and grab yourself a t-shirt. We now sell them in color (Black, Blue, Red). We even sell mugs - if you really need a mug. Just please get one. It would mean the world to us. 5) DON'T HAVE SEX It might be tempting wanting to feel your skin on another man/woman's body. At my church, we call that Satan's pleasure. Having sex is not okay. I mean, if you want to have sex when you're married - that's okay. But overall, it's just not okay. Especially during your daughter's Orchestra recital. If sex is the only thing that's on your mind. Well mister, you better reevaluate your conscious. 6) TREAT OTHERS WITH RESPECT My mom always told me that if you want to live a happy life, you have to make the people around you happy. My mom was a real smart lady. Too bad she's in prison for murder. Besides that, I always follow her lesson and it has changed me.
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. By Wyatt J.P
Ok I bit my tongue for years about this but the #MeToo movement inspired me to finally speak out about one singular piece of shit Christopher Stuckmann and his piece of shit blu ray collection! Chris is a very respected individual among the YouTube film community, but he made 1 inconceivable mistake regarding his blu ray collection. What I am about to say is going to shock you. It will change your entire perception of Stuckmann as a person. I was afraid to speak out about this but here it goes... Chris Stuckmann does not own Megamind on blu ray. I know this must be extremely hard for you to wrap your head around, but trust me he has showed us his blu rays time and time again and there has been no sign of the greatest film in DreamWorks history. Dare I say animation history all together! I here by announce a boycott of Stuckmann until President Trump does something about this gross miscarriage of justice. Thank you for supporting me and all the Megamites during this hard time. The awards show that nobody really likes is finally upon us. That's right - The Golden Globe Awards will be airing tomorrow. Millions of viewers will down and watch their favorite celebrity drinking themselves to death. Mostly because they're at the Golden Globes. Hell, anything could happen. That's why I took some time to come with (in my opinion) who will take home those worthless trophies. By the way, we are not going into tv shows because we have better things to than watch television.
BEST ACTOR - DRAMA Daniel Day Lewis - Phantom Thread Mr. Lewis pretty much has this in the bag. I can see it right now. He's gonna get up on stage, make a speech about how he milked a cow for the role, and get his noose ready once he gets the big Oscar win. I mean, you gotta end your career someday. BEST ACTRESS - DRAMA Who cares? Personally, I don't care for this category. Not because they're women but because they're women doing drama. It's quite pathetic really. Wouldn't be surprised if the Golden Globes just put a bunch names inside a fish bowl and took one out by random. BEST ACTOR - COMEDY/MUSICAL Daniel Kukukuenfie - Get Out I haven't seen Get Out nor have I've seen this man's performance. I just wanna see this guy win so they can tell me how his last name is pronounced. BEST ACTRESS - COMEDY/MUSICAL Yeah right Women doing comedy? Give me a break! BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR J.K Simmons - Whiplash I know this might be a little late but I just watched that movie Whiplash, and man it was amazing. J.K Simmons absolutely nailed it. Wait, did he win? BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS All of them look super ugly so no thanks. BEST DIRECTOR Ridley Scott - Alien: Covenant Ridley did a fantastic job bringing back the Alien franchise. If only he could bring his brother back from the dead. Anyways, this movie was scary and supper smart. They symbolized Jesus and The Bible stuff so you know that the movie is Oscar worthy. BEST SCREENPLAY Aaron Sorkin - Molly's Game I don't know any of these people but apparently this Sorkin guy wrote The Social Network - a movie that I actually watched. Give it to him I guess. BEST ANIMATED FEATURE Don't really have an opinion on this one but i'm pretty sure one of the presenters is gonna go on a rant about Trump and everybody will call it inspiring. BEST PICTURE - FOREIGN LANGUAGE I don't go see movies to read. BEST ORIGINAL SCORE John Williams - The Post Roy Moore is innocent. BEST SONG IN A MOVIE The Sprite Cranberry Jingle They play this in the theaters so technically it counts. BEST PICTURE - DRAMA Anything but Dunkirk I remember seeing Dunkirk and was quite appalled by it. Kind of felt like Anti-American propaganda for the most part. But I know Hollywood loves those fucking Brits and the LGBT community. Oh and Call Me By Your Name should not be nominated either. BEST PICTURE - COMEDY/MUSICAL I, Tonya Margot Robbie is so fucking hot. My vote definitely goes to her. So those are my predictions for the 2018 Golden Globes. Are you going to watch the ceremony? At least the first half of it? Let us know your picks in the comments and be sure to follow us for more Unreel News. By Wyatt J.P
With the threat of neo-nazism, an ideology that has plagued our country since the 1800s have we forgotten that ethnic groups and the LGBT are not the only ones whom can be discriminated against? And no I'm not talking about whites it's impossible for them to face discrimination. I am talking about Marvel fans. Since Man of Steel came out the rise of DC shills has skyrocketed with Marvel fans being verbally abused on twitter for their beliefs and even being driven to suicide. I am currently woke to the situation thankfully and it got me thinking, is this the new breed of neo-nazis? Did they come from the alt-right? Are Marvel fans being treated as second class citizens? or worse, are we about to enter a new Nazi Germany? The likes of which we have never seen before run by Brazilian pansexuals who throw anyone who disagrees in a gas chamber? I truly hope not. As as you can see DC twitter has gotten out of hand, and it is only going to get worse. It is time to rise up and prove that multicomicalism can exist if we give it a chance. Otherwise Zack Snyder will soon become the next Donald Trump. We are the revolution #Resist By: Dick Staniewicz
The latest animated film 'The Lego Ninjago Movie' is about to hit theaters next month. However, as I've watched the trailers, I realized something. The Lego characters themselves are yellow, which clearly means they are Asians. That's not racist - just a fact. But once I looked up the cast for the film on IMDB, I realized some of the characters are being voiced by... WHITE PEOPLE. Dave Franco is super white and is playing the role of Lloyd. Olivia Munn who is also caucasian is playing the role of the mother. Then, I continued to scroll down more and saw a few more white people names. This made me frustrated. This is starting to become Death Note and Ghost in the Shell all over again. Just earlier this week, Ed Skrein dropped out of Hellboy after realizing his role was of Asian descent. However, it seems it's just going to stop there. Why can't Hollywood just realize that they are absolute scums and don't care about non-whites? We must take them down. We are the voice of a new revolution. We can destroy these pale old fucks once and for all. We are... THE NEW AGE!!!!! Article by: @CinematicBanter
The original Nut Job is really a character piece on what it means to love nuts. It takes a lot of queues from the Georgian Era life style alongside building on the legacy of Citizen Kane and combining the best parts of classics such as Toy Story, Ghostbusters and Star Wars to create a great character dynamic that results in an amazing film detailing bonds between friends. The sequel is establishing how the mind can go insane over one simple item i.e the Nut, hence the subtitle "NUTTY BY NATURE" its said that visionary director, Callan Brunker is delving into films such as The Thing, The Shining and The Dark Knight to see how characters can gradually turn insane over an person or object overtime to create the perfect sequel. Last year, we made a list of things you would expect from Comic-Con 2016. However, none of those actually came true. That's not gonna stop me though. Here are a few surprises that I think you will expect in this upcoming week of retardation.
Wonder Woman is probably one of my favorite films. I've seen it at least ten times already. It's proof that women can make a superhero movie just as good if not better than men. The trench scene gave me goosebumps and that theme is just a masterclass of musical composition. If Beethoven could come back to life for a day, he would kill himself because he knows he'll never compare to my boy Junkie XL.
What has come to my attention, is that no one has noticed the implicit rape scene in Wonder Woman. This by no means is a flaw! We live in a society where rape is made ok and police don't do shit except kill blacks! Did you know that it has been reported that most rapes aren't even reported? So when Wonder Woman rapes Steve Trevor(a perfect example a white male who has probably already raped) I applauded. I know what your thinking. What rape scene? It's known in the Wonder Woman comics is that she can't get drunk. In the scene following the no mans land scene, it's clearly obvious that Steve Trevor is intoxicated. So Wonder Woman takes this advantage to fuck him without his sober consent. It's about high fucking time a man gets raped. Wonder Woman showed us that raping a man is A-okay By Clank
LOGAN came out on Digital HD yesterday and comes out on Blu-ray and DVD next week, and is a subject of critical praise and brang Hugh Jackman's journey as Wolverine to a close. The film made millions upon millions at the box office and defied most expectations critically and commercially. Most. Most is the key word here, as I'm going to tell you as to why LOGAN is actually pretty fucking terrible and anybody who likes it is braindead. Let's start off with the TONE. The TONE is so damn dark it's actually depressing. And you know I absolutely fucking HATE movies that are depressing. This is why I like Marvel movies the best: they're bright, colorful and doesn't tackle mature and intriguing themes that makes me think. That shit's too hard to process. I just wanna see things blow the fuck up. Next, the characters. Logan is such an asshole that he's borderline unlikeable. He tells no jokes, doesn't like people, and even kills a couple people with just his bare hands. This is an example of creating a bad character: Our character absolutely NEEDS to be just like our audience to be likeable, or else the audience won't connect with us. This is why Tarantino movies don't work: Our characters are criminals, while the audience is not. That's just unrealistic. Finally, the direction. Shot this, shot that, bland camera angles, sloppy action choreography. Color completely deprived. These are all elements that make this movie look visually ugly and boring at the same time. Yawn. The camera never shakes and the action doesn't have people punch other people directly into buildings and all that. What a complete waste of my fucking time. |
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June 2018
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