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It's no secret that Nine Lives has been panned by film critics, with some referring to it as "the worst movie ever made." We had a chance to sit down with the film's acclaimed star, Kevin Spacey, to address the backlash.
"So how do you feel about the negative reviews for Nine Lives?" "It's deserved. That movie is a piece of crap." "Do you regret starring in it?" "Yeah, worst decision of my life. I regret Nine Lives more than I do Horrible Bosses 2." "Wow, that certainly is saying something, but Kevin, why did you ever agree to star in the film?" "I was kinda fucked up when the studio approached me." "How so?" "Well my dealer had sold me a bad batch and it didn't go so well." "By dealer, are you referring to a drug dealer?" Kevin proceeded to angrily stare at our interviewer for about 8 minutes before finally responding. "Yes. The crank wasn't ripe enough. The dragon was the opposite. Didn't sit well with me, usually I'm fine. They told me I would win an Academy Award for my performance, and a bunch of other shit, and I believed it all. I was actually gonna start an Oscar campaign before the stuff wore off." "Well, that certainly explains a lot." After the interview, we discovered that "crank" and "dragon" were slang terms for meth and heroin. We also had asked Kevin if he thought the digital effects on the cat were done well, but he responded with a rant about how the cat was "real and not CGI." When we refuted this, he proceeded to set fire to our entire studio and then took off in his Porsche. After this incident, we called the police, and they found a used syringe when searching our burned studio. Which explains everything. Stay tuned for more from Unreel News!
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