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Ben Affleck has reportedLy opeNed fire at the hollywood reporter headquarters dressed as batman7/21/2017 By Wyatt J.P
After The Hollywood Reporter broke the story about Ben Affleck possibly leaving the role of Batman, there was of course massive panic among CBM fans however the most aggravated about the story was ol' Benny Affs himself who opened fire at THR HQ this afternoon. Thankfully we found a survivor and asked him for his accounts on what transpired. here's what he said. So there we were, just doing what we normally do. Tracking down leads connected to stories we're covering. And then all of a sudden the lights went out. We thought a fuse broke due to the masturbat- I mean massage room. So we had the custodian head down to check it out. 10 mins pass and we see the tv in our office turn on and it's Ben Fucking Affleck dressed as Batman jerking off over the tied up custodian. We were all horrified at what we saw. Just after Ben climaxed he said to the camera "THR...WE COMIN FOR YOU NIGGA" and then he burst through the office doors with two 50 Cal LMGs! He was shooting at everything in sight and as he was doing it he laughed in this high pitched sinister laugh, it almost made me think that he shouldn't have been cast as Batman. I was able to escape when he was going to town on the guy who wrote the article. Thankfully I'm away from all of it now- wait OH GOD EVERYBODY GET DOWN!!! Ben Affleck showed up covered in blood still dressed as Batman to finish the job. He shot the witness straight through the head and proceeded to bust another nut on said witness. It's looking like Ben Affleck will still be Batman. What do you guys think about this news? Let us know.
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With many critically acclaimed hits under his belt and now Dunkirk hitting theaters this Friday, it seems Christopher Nolan seems to be doing just fine with his life. However, sources are saying that the 46 year old filmmaker has been rushed to the hospital this morning. Cause? A digital camera. We met up with Nolan for a little visit and ask how it all went down.
"Well, I was at a local Best Buy roaming around, hoping to find some Kubrick classics. I took a rest, leaned on one of the counters where my hand was accidentally placed on a bloody digital camera. I looked over and spazed out - looking like a monkey with parkinsons. If I ever see one of those damn things again, I'd probably just die". We then asked him about his next project but told us to fuck off and demanded us to leave. Now, the doctors said he'll be just fine but he'll probably have to stay away from any electronic stores at the moment. So what are your thoughts on this? Are you a film guy and an amateur pussy who uses digital cameras. Let us know in the comments and be sure to follow more Unreel News. Dunkirk hits theaters friday, July 21st. Michael Bay admits to having sex with an imax 3d camera on the set of Transformers: The Last kNIGHT.7/13/2017 Transformers: The Last Knight has only been in theaters for less than a month and it's shaping up to reach an impressive 2 billion dollar gross. I mean, it would be if these dumbass Americans would actually go see good films like this and not gay kiddy shit like Spider-Man: Trashcoming or Apes or whatever. Besides that, the people who have been seeing this movie have also been complaining about the work of the Imax 3D camera. Something to do with an Aspect ratio. I don't even know what that is. Probably just some useless thing online nerds are bitching about. We sat down with Michael Bay at our local spa and asked him a few questions on this topic. This is what he said. "Man, I loved that Imax 3D camera to death. That baby worked wonders for me. And I worked wonders for it as well. As in, I fucked it. Didn't want to tell anybody about it but I guess now is a better time than ever. During some of the shoots, I took it backstage and slid my Bay cock right in it's - uh I don't know exactly where. The crew always got mad at me too and had to switch back to the regular camera while I went back into my trailer and gave it a good shag as the British would say. Also, what's an Aspect ratio? Probably some useless thing online nerds are bitching about". Well there you have it. Michael Bay literally came out and confessed he fucked an Imax 3D camera. This man knows no bounds. So what are your thoughts on this? Let us know in the comments and be sure to follow us for more Unreel News. By Wyatt J.P
Spider-Man: Hormone Cumming hits theaters today and is already a huge hit with critics, but then again they don't matter. Unreel unfortunately wasn't able to schedule an interview with the cast or crew but I was able to ambush an interviewer when he was using the bathroom. I took his credentials and made my way to interview RDJ himself. I went ahead and asked him the big question. Me: so do you die in Infinity War? RDJ: That Tom kid is annoying af so yeah I'm actually going to kill myself so I won't be able to come back. When I'm done shooting Infinite Warfare or whatever I'm tying the noose. Well there you have it. Tony Stark is dead ass. Do you agree with RDJ? Let us know. By Wyatt J.P
Edgar Wright's Baby Driver has become a huge hit with critics and fans alike. But who cares about the critics they're EVIL! Anyway it's no secret that Sony has asked Edgar to do a sequel to the film however things didn't go very...WRIGHT. According to our mole we planted at Sony Pictures, Amy Pascal told Edgar to do a sequel and said not to worry about the quality as there would be 8 new writers on the project. Edgar Wright looked at Amy very calmly, took his balled up fist and gave here knuckle sandwich straight to the g spot (which apparently exists). Amy began to have a 30 minute long orgasm on the floor as Avi Arad took out his dick and started wackin' it in front of 40 other employees. Wright then took the contract he was offered and shoved it down her throat. It went down pretty well, she must be a pro. So it looks like no Baby Driver 2 for now but we will keep you updated on Amy Pascals vaginal health. By Wyatt J.P
The new Star Wars 2 is coming out in December which people are excited about for some reason even though it's produced by a bunch of capitalists. There has been rumors galore about the possibility of lightsabers being in the movie in some capacity. We decided to bitch about this to Marcus Hamill who plays a guy in the movie. Here's what he said: You may see one show up. Haha get it "may" lol because MAY the force haha, anyway why are you in my bedroom and where's my wife? I left the premises as my work was done. |
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