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Illumination Animation is known for their family friendly cheap animations. However, their movies (Despicable Me, Life of Pets, Sing) have made an ass ton of money at the box office. That's a lot of money... and a lot of ass. Now with the brilliant and cherished 'Despicable Me' trilogy concluding this past Summer, it seems the Illuminati is desperate for a new franchise. Something bigger, something more... original. According to Discussing Film (which you should take with a grain of salt), the heads over at the animation studios are now planning their own Cinematic Universe in which they are calling it "The Seuss-iverse". This new and fresh idea will begin with the upcoming reboot of 'The Grinch' voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch and will be hitting theaters next Christmas. Proceeding that will be the animated reboot of 'The Cat in the Hat' which has no release date at the moment. They have even confirmed that past animated Suess adaptations such as 'The Lorax' and 'Horton hears a Who' will be cannon. They have even stated that other familiar Dr. Suess creatures like The Sneetches will be showing up in this Universe. If all goes planned, you can see your beloved children's book characters join together in their own team-up movie. CEO of Illumination, Mr. Raymond Tinklesniff - had this to say about the approach... "This is going to be quite a challenge for us. We here at illumination don't quite DO challenges either. We tend to make safe, crowd pleasing, kids films about a bald guy with yellow talking testicles. It's nothing grand scale. However, we make an ass ton of money. Hell, Despicable Me 3 made so much money that my ex-wife cheated on her Hispanic boyfriend with ME. Yes, we will continue our five film 'Secret Life of Pets' series but this will be our main focus. Just like our motto here at Illumination 'If we have the rights to these characters, why not milk the living shit out of them? Hail Satan'. You have a lovely day". Mr. Tinklesniff quickly spun around while flipping his suit into a cloak and walked off. Never mind that, what are your guys' thoughts on this "Suess-iverse"? Personally, I'm all for it. It's a risk but i'm all for risks. Let us know your thoughts on this idea and be sure to follow us for more Unreel Suess. Get it? Do you get it? It took me five minutes to think of that.
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Just last night, Disney and Lucasfilm rolled out the red carpet for the premiere of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Sadly, I did not attend the premiere since I wasn't invited and one of our writers, Andy Signore was banned. However, we did talk to one blogger in particular about the event. His name is Mark Harloff - a big Star Wars fanboy who records a podcast titled 'Han Splooged First' or some dumb Star Wars pun like that. He told us that he was quite overwhelmed to be at the premiere for the new Star Wars although he's been to the last two premieres. This is what he stated... "It was like nothing I've ever been to. Sure, I went to the premiere for both Force Awakens and Rogue One, but THIS. This was nothing like it. I got to see Daisy Ridley and even accidentally grabbed a hold of John Boyega's crotch. I gotta tell ya, that man has a full on Hickory Farms sausage in his pants. I also got to take a picture with Luke himself, Mark fucking Hamill. He even let me smell his hair. Smells like clams but it was totally worth it. There were a few characters that you may recognize from the movies. Like Chewy, BB-8, etc. They also put out the porgs. The porgs were so damn adorable that I decided to shove one right up my ass. Thankfully, it fit right in like a glove. Sadly, one of the guards came to kick me out of the premiere. Funny thing was, he was dressed like a Storm Trooper so that made it even cooler. I didn't get a chance to see 'The Last Jedi' but I'm gonna see it four times on Thursday so it doesn't really matter. I must say, that was the greatest day of my life. I don't think anything can top that besides maybe next year's Star Wars". Some interesting stuff I do say so myself. How would you react if YOU went to the premiere of a Star Wars movie? Are you going to see 'The Last Jedi' in theaters December 15th? Of course you are you fucking loser. You're probably re-watching the other movies right now - including the prequels. How much of a sack of shit can you be? Follow us for more Unreel News. Get ready you ironic pathetic movie reviewers. Kirk Cameron has now decided to make a follow up to his big Christian propaganda piece 'Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas'. The film grossed over 200 million dollars worldwide on a budget of $500 thousand - making it one of the most profitable films of all time - right next to The Blair Witch Project. Although the film has a whopping zero percent on Rotten Tomatoes - it seems many church going people on Facebook absolutely adored the film. Even my mentally ill Uncle called it one of the "greatest films he's ever witnessed".
The sequel is currently under the title "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas... again" which is quite a unique title if I do say so myself. Director, Darren Doane has confirmed that he will return for the sequel and might also pen the script even though the movie doesn't really need one. They even put out a movie synopsis which goes like this... We cut five Christmases later, where Kirk is now meeting up with his other sister, Candace Cameron - who's throwing a little Holiday - I mean Christmas party at her house. However, her husband - Richard seems to find something off putting. Kirk sits him down inside Richard's car to ask what's the problem. Richard asks the biggest most serious question "How can Santa deliver all his presents if the earth is flat?" Now Kirk must convince him that the earth is indeed flat and get him back into the Christmas spirit. "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas 2" will be shooting next month for about four days and is scheduled to hit theaters Christmas 2018. But with Illumination's remake of The Grinch, Captain Kirk has some serious competition. Bryan Singer (X-men: Apocalypse, Jack the Giant Slayer) has been working hard on the upcoming Freddie Mercury biopic, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY that is aiming for a Christmas 2018 release date. However, production has now paused after Mr. Singer has yet to return to set. Now, it seems we have an answer. According to our platonic buddies at Discussing Film, Bryan Singer has been kidnapped by Palestinian soldiers and are now holding him for ransom. They have recently put out this message...
"We have your director, Mister Brian Singer. We will give him back to you after you give us one thing... Misses Gal Gadot. Your Wonder Woman is a threat to our country and if you don't give her to us, then we will wrap Mr. Singer's head in a bow. Thank you for listening and have a happy holidays". Well, you heard them. If anybody out there can capture Gal Gadot, then maybe we will get to see this Freddie Mercury biopic completed. What are your thoughts on this situation? Let us know in the comments and be sure to keep Christ in Christmas. |
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