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Just this past Monday, Disney and Lucasfilm released the final trailer for Star Wars: The Last Jedi - blowing millions of fans away. Not just that, they've also put out tickets in advanced. However, the tickets are getting wiped away as quickly as Puerto Rico. But any massive star wars nerd will do anything to get a hold of tickets. And I mean, anything. Reports are coming from Discussing Film that a man by the name of Harold Karloff has just sold his wife and twelve year old daughter over to the dark side (as in sex trafficking). Hehe we like to joke around at Unreel sometimes.
This man is known to be the biggest Star Wars geek in all of Michigan. The reports even say that his whole house is filled with Star Wars merch - including his dead mother's ashes. He even records his own podcast titled "SITH ME DADDY" with new episodes uploaded every Thursday. Until now, the man has come clean and confessed why he has done this act... "Star Wars is worth more than my fucking wife and child, ok? On Monday, I was trying to get ready for when the tickets were available. But my wife shut my laptop and told me to watch some dumb Halloween special with my daughter. And just after our little family time, the tickets were vanished. All the showtimes were sold out. Boy, was I fucking pissed. Just for payback, I called up a few of my buddies from work and sold their asses to sex trafficking. That'll teach them a lesson". From his explanation, I kind of see his point. Maybe he did do the right thing after all. Anyways, thoughts on this story? Doesn't matter, you'll probably say it's disgusting as you dumb libtards always say.
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With so much happening in the world right now, you can only hope a heartwarming story comes out to brighten your day. Well we here at Unreel have found one of our own. A film buff from the state of Nebraska has done an act of kindness no person could ever think of. His name is Sax Dhepard and just yesterday, he decided to sell his own appendix to the black market. Reason? To fund the sequel to the 2017 box office flop "CHiPs". The movie only grossed 26 million on a 25 million dollar budget. Not enough to break even sadly. However, this man loves the movie "CHiPs" so much that he needed to witness the continuing story of Jon Baker and Frank Poncherello. The story was so inspiring that the Unreel crew actually went down to Nebraska to speak to the man in person. As he invited us in to his house, we told that he looked quite familiar. He looked a lot like Dax Shepard but with a mustache across his face. The man started to blush and giggled - completely ignoring my comment. He then lead us to his living room where we sat down for a little interview. This was his statement. "I grew up with the tv show CHiPs. It was like my religion. Made me actually wanna be a cop as well. When I saw that they were adapting into a theatrical comedy. I got very excited. Then came the release in March and boy was it magical. Everything I wanted out of a CHiPs movie. Michael Pena was incredible as Ponch. And I really thought I did a - I mean Dax did a wonderful performance as Jon Baker. I'm just hoping that selling my appendix to the black market can really help progress a sequel. Sold it for almost half a million dollars as wel-" Sax instantely stopped his statement just right as his mustache came falling off his face. He looked a lot more like Dax without the stache too. He hopped right on his knees and demanded us to leave - almost threatening us with the cops - so we did as he told. Anyways, what is your impression on this very heartfelt story? Do you think an appendix is worth half a million dollars? Let us know in the comments and be sure to look at our other Unreel stories. Please? We really need it. Just don't be a cunt. You're probably thinking to yourself "wait just a minute. What in the hell does this have to do with movies?" Well there Unreel Subscriber - it doesn't. However, we thought this was a good enough news to break. According to Entertainment Monthly (the autistic cousin to Entertainment Weekly) - author of the New York Times Bestseller 'GooseBumps', R.L Stine - has confessed that he has in fact had hot steamy sex with Stephen King's wife. This is what he said in the interview. "Oh, we did more than just cuddle. We went right at it. It was possibly the best love making I've had in years too. She even said I was better than that cuck, Stephen. We hopped right onto the bed inside a Best Western and did the dirty. I demanded her to spank my ass and call me Slappy - just like a character from my Goosebumps books. When we were doing it doggy style - I would whisper in her ear "Say Cheese and Die!" or "Welcome to Camp Nightmare". Those are also titles from my Goosebumps series. Then right after we were done - we just lied in the soft and plushy hotel bed thanks to Best Western. Their beds are quite comfy. Just about a week ago, she told me she was pregnant. Guess you could say I gave her the... Goose Bumps!" Stephen himself has yet to comment on this situation. Probably weeping like a bitch about it. More updates on this story as it develops. |
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