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Many actors and actresses in Hollywood are now spreading their thoughts upon Woody Allen. Talents such as Greta Gerwig, Rebecca Hall, and Collin Firth are feeling many regrets working with him and are even donating their money to the "Time's Up" charity. And now somebody you didn't expect is now coming out about the perverted filmmaker. It's none other than Woody Allen himself. This is what he stated... "I've been hearing about this Woody Allen guy. And honestly, I find it to be quite disgusted. I've known Woody for almost twenty one years and we've made over like 45 films together. Guess you really can't trust anyone. If there's anyway to make this up, I will be donating my salary to some charity about time travel. Sounds ambitious". Mr. Allen's doctor has brought up his health - saying that he's now diagnosed with dementia. What are you thoughts on this brave desicion? Personally, I find it to be quite inspiring. Let us know in the comments and be sure to subscribe and hit that like button. And also please watch our podcast, we know you don't fucking watch it. At least give it a shot.
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It seems the wage gap has been going on since the beginning of time. A grave injustice that has yet to be repaired. Just this past week, outlets have reported that Mark Wahlberg made 1.5 million dollars on reshoots alone for 'All The Money In The World' directed by Hollywood Hack Ridley Scott. And only Michelle Williams was paid only 1,000 dollars. Wow, that gap is more massive than Woody Harrelson's front teeth. Now according to Comic Fade, a news source we will soon be buying out, it seems there's an actual reason to this salary difference. Just about an hour ago, Marky Mark himself admitted that he stole most of that money from Michelle William's purse during reshoots. He has now come forward and spoke about his mistake... "Look, man. I was a little bit greedy. I think this movie got to me, you know? It's called "All The Money in the World" and it's about some old greedy testicle dude. I apologize for what I have done. Sadly, I can't give back the money since I used it up on a new Wahlberger's. Maybe if this one is successful, I'll give some of that money back to Michelle. I promise". Personally, I find this to be quite inspiring. I can related to what Wahlberg has done. I used to steal about twenty dollars from my mom. People aren't perfect and I think that's the message to get from this? Do you forgive Wahlberg? 'All The Money in the World' is now playing in theaters. Illumination Animation is known for their family friendly cheap animations. However, their movies (Despicable Me, Life of Pets, Sing) have made an ass ton of money at the box office. That's a lot of money... and a lot of ass. Now with the brilliant and cherished 'Despicable Me' trilogy concluding this past Summer, it seems the Illuminati is desperate for a new franchise. Something bigger, something more... original. According to Discussing Film (which you should take with a grain of salt), the heads over at the animation studios are now planning their own Cinematic Universe in which they are calling it "The Seuss-iverse". This new and fresh idea will begin with the upcoming reboot of 'The Grinch' voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch and will be hitting theaters next Christmas. Proceeding that will be the animated reboot of 'The Cat in the Hat' which has no release date at the moment. They have even confirmed that past animated Suess adaptations such as 'The Lorax' and 'Horton hears a Who' will be cannon. They have even stated that other familiar Dr. Suess creatures like The Sneetches will be showing up in this Universe. If all goes planned, you can see your beloved children's book characters join together in their own team-up movie. CEO of Illumination, Mr. Raymond Tinklesniff - had this to say about the approach... "This is going to be quite a challenge for us. We here at illumination don't quite DO challenges either. We tend to make safe, crowd pleasing, kids films about a bald guy with yellow talking testicles. It's nothing grand scale. However, we make an ass ton of money. Hell, Despicable Me 3 made so much money that my ex-wife cheated on her Hispanic boyfriend with ME. Yes, we will continue our five film 'Secret Life of Pets' series but this will be our main focus. Just like our motto here at Illumination 'If we have the rights to these characters, why not milk the living shit out of them? Hail Satan'. You have a lovely day". Mr. Tinklesniff quickly spun around while flipping his suit into a cloak and walked off. Never mind that, what are your guys' thoughts on this "Suess-iverse"? Personally, I'm all for it. It's a risk but i'm all for risks. Let us know your thoughts on this idea and be sure to follow us for more Unreel Suess. Get it? Do you get it? It took me five minutes to think of that. Just last night, Disney and Lucasfilm rolled out the red carpet for the premiere of Star Wars: The Last Jedi. Sadly, I did not attend the premiere since I wasn't invited and one of our writers, Andy Signore was banned. However, we did talk to one blogger in particular about the event. His name is Mark Harloff - a big Star Wars fanboy who records a podcast titled 'Han Splooged First' or some dumb Star Wars pun like that. He told us that he was quite overwhelmed to be at the premiere for the new Star Wars although he's been to the last two premieres. This is what he stated... "It was like nothing I've ever been to. Sure, I went to the premiere for both Force Awakens and Rogue One, but THIS. This was nothing like it. I got to see Daisy Ridley and even accidentally grabbed a hold of John Boyega's crotch. I gotta tell ya, that man has a full on Hickory Farms sausage in his pants. I also got to take a picture with Luke himself, Mark fucking Hamill. He even let me smell his hair. Smells like clams but it was totally worth it. There were a few characters that you may recognize from the movies. Like Chewy, BB-8, etc. They also put out the porgs. The porgs were so damn adorable that I decided to shove one right up my ass. Thankfully, it fit right in like a glove. Sadly, one of the guards came to kick me out of the premiere. Funny thing was, he was dressed like a Storm Trooper so that made it even cooler. I didn't get a chance to see 'The Last Jedi' but I'm gonna see it four times on Thursday so it doesn't really matter. I must say, that was the greatest day of my life. I don't think anything can top that besides maybe next year's Star Wars". Some interesting stuff I do say so myself. How would you react if YOU went to the premiere of a Star Wars movie? Are you going to see 'The Last Jedi' in theaters December 15th? Of course you are you fucking loser. You're probably re-watching the other movies right now - including the prequels. How much of a sack of shit can you be? Follow us for more Unreel News. Get ready you ironic pathetic movie reviewers. Kirk Cameron has now decided to make a follow up to his big Christian propaganda piece 'Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas'. The film grossed over 200 million dollars worldwide on a budget of $500 thousand - making it one of the most profitable films of all time - right next to The Blair Witch Project. Although the film has a whopping zero percent on Rotten Tomatoes - it seems many church going people on Facebook absolutely adored the film. Even my mentally ill Uncle called it one of the "greatest films he's ever witnessed".
The sequel is currently under the title "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas... again" which is quite a unique title if I do say so myself. Director, Darren Doane has confirmed that he will return for the sequel and might also pen the script even though the movie doesn't really need one. They even put out a movie synopsis which goes like this... We cut five Christmases later, where Kirk is now meeting up with his other sister, Candace Cameron - who's throwing a little Holiday - I mean Christmas party at her house. However, her husband - Richard seems to find something off putting. Kirk sits him down inside Richard's car to ask what's the problem. Richard asks the biggest most serious question "How can Santa deliver all his presents if the earth is flat?" Now Kirk must convince him that the earth is indeed flat and get him back into the Christmas spirit. "Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas 2" will be shooting next month for about four days and is scheduled to hit theaters Christmas 2018. But with Illumination's remake of The Grinch, Captain Kirk has some serious competition. Bryan Singer (X-men: Apocalypse, Jack the Giant Slayer) has been working hard on the upcoming Freddie Mercury biopic, BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY that is aiming for a Christmas 2018 release date. However, production has now paused after Mr. Singer has yet to return to set. Now, it seems we have an answer. According to our platonic buddies at Discussing Film, Bryan Singer has been kidnapped by Palestinian soldiers and are now holding him for ransom. They have recently put out this message...
"We have your director, Mister Brian Singer. We will give him back to you after you give us one thing... Misses Gal Gadot. Your Wonder Woman is a threat to our country and if you don't give her to us, then we will wrap Mr. Singer's head in a bow. Thank you for listening and have a happy holidays". Well, you heard them. If anybody out there can capture Gal Gadot, then maybe we will get to see this Freddie Mercury biopic completed. What are your thoughts on this situation? Let us know in the comments and be sure to keep Christ in Christmas. Warner bros. now pushes superman in justice league marketing after terrible box office results.11/21/2017 Just this past Thursday, the highly anticipated superhero blockbuster of all time "Justice League" was released to the world. However, not a lot of people went to go see it - opening with an absolutely pathetic 95 million dollar opening. Hell, I could make more money than that just by selling my body on the street. People are speculating the movie opened so low on account of way too many superhero movies. Or the reasonable fact that the film has a forty percent on Rotten Tomatoes. And they are correct. Who knew the critics' scheme would actually work? Now, in a desperate attempt to bring more citizens to the theaters, Warner Bros. has brought out their last hope... Superman. Just a few moments ago, the Justice League twitter account released a new poster out to the world. It's basically the same Justice League poster but now with Superman on it. What are your thoughts on this push in the marketing? Do you think this will get more people to go see Justice League? What did you think of Justice League? Was it as bad as you weren't suspecting? What's your favorite color? Do you like animals? Tell us more when you follow us on the Unreel News twitter page.
By Wyatt J.P
This month has certainly been interesting with all the ass grabb’n and jack off’n. However audiences were met with a glimmer of hope with Stranger Things season 2. But don’t get to happy like Spacey, because it has just been announced by Netflix that they will no longer be airing any more seasons of Stranger Things. Instead they have announced 3 more seasons of Kevin Spacey’s House of Boys- I...mean Cards. Netflix CEO Reed Hastings released the following statement: Look. Kevin Spacey may have done some questionable things in his past but come on. We can’t stop this biting political piece it’s more relevant than ever and it is our duty to inform the fans about what goes on in Washington. The 80s are filled with institutionalized homophobia, racism and sexism. Why would we want people to think that decade is so great?! I’ll tell you who. Trump and his supporters. Now if you’ll excuse me I have an after party to attend. KID GET BACK IN THE TRUNK! It’s not fiddle time yet! Well quite an interesting story if you ask me. Let us know what you think down below. What has this world come to? First Harvey Weinstein, then Kevin Spacy, then Louis C.K and then George Takei and now this! It seems Hollywood has this weird, fucked up obsession with touching other people's willy's. According to the Hollywood Reporter, former Big Time Rush singer, James Diamond has come out to confess that he has been sexually assaulted by Gustavo Rocque, the former band's manager. This is what he had to say...
"He made us stay overnight to record our next big album. And he was very nice about it too. He brought out some coffee to keep us wide awake. But what was not cool was when we finished the last song and he ran into the recording booth, telling us to drop our pants. And we did so. He was pretty much our boss. We couldn't do anything about it. He would then tell us to spin our little wieners like helicopters. I even remember he gave Carlos a nice slap on the ass and called him his poppy. I don't know man. Don't know why we didn't tell anything about it. But it's nice to finally take that off my chest after all these years". What are your thoughts on this disgusting news? Let us know in the comments and be sure to follow us for more details on this story as more develops. By Wyatt J.P
Yet another scandal has rocked Hollywood. This time involving famous child actor Jacob Tremblay. After the news broke on Pretty Much It’s recent commentary for Book of Henry we sent out our colleague Andy Signore to interview the young man. Tremblay revealed that his parents give him pain cues in order to make him cry in his movies. The cues are described as follows •Nipple twisting via his fathers teeth •fish hook yanking on his not yet dropped testicals •Brushing teeth with ghost pepper paste •Kevin Spacey This shocking revelation will hopefully make us consider this tips for the next generation of child actors |
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