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Just this past Monday, Disney and Lucasfilm released the final trailer for Star Wars: The Last Jedi - blowing millions of fans away. Not just that, they've also put out tickets in advanced. However, the tickets are getting wiped away as quickly as Puerto Rico. But any massive star wars nerd will do anything to get a hold of tickets. And I mean, anything. Reports are coming from Discussing Film that a man by the name of Harold Karloff has just sold his wife and twelve year old daughter over to the dark side (as in sex trafficking). Hehe we like to joke around at Unreel sometimes.
This man is known to be the biggest Star Wars geek in all of Michigan. The reports even say that his whole house is filled with Star Wars merch - including his dead mother's ashes. He even records his own podcast titled "SITH ME DADDY" with new episodes uploaded every Thursday. Until now, the man has come clean and confessed why he has done this act... "Star Wars is worth more than my fucking wife and child, ok? On Monday, I was trying to get ready for when the tickets were available. But my wife shut my laptop and told me to watch some dumb Halloween special with my daughter. And just after our little family time, the tickets were vanished. All the showtimes were sold out. Boy, was I fucking pissed. Just for payback, I called up a few of my buddies from work and sold their asses to sex trafficking. That'll teach them a lesson". From his explanation, I kind of see his point. Maybe he did do the right thing after all. Anyways, thoughts on this story? Doesn't matter, you'll probably say it's disgusting as you dumb libtards always say.
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With so much happening in the world right now, you can only hope a heartwarming story comes out to brighten your day. Well we here at Unreel have found one of our own. A film buff from the state of Nebraska has done an act of kindness no person could ever think of. His name is Sax Dhepard and just yesterday, he decided to sell his own appendix to the black market. Reason? To fund the sequel to the 2017 box office flop "CHiPs". The movie only grossed 26 million on a 25 million dollar budget. Not enough to break even sadly. However, this man loves the movie "CHiPs" so much that he needed to witness the continuing story of Jon Baker and Frank Poncherello. The story was so inspiring that the Unreel crew actually went down to Nebraska to speak to the man in person. As he invited us in to his house, we told that he looked quite familiar. He looked a lot like Dax Shepard but with a mustache across his face. The man started to blush and giggled - completely ignoring my comment. He then lead us to his living room where we sat down for a little interview. This was his statement. "I grew up with the tv show CHiPs. It was like my religion. Made me actually wanna be a cop as well. When I saw that they were adapting into a theatrical comedy. I got very excited. Then came the release in March and boy was it magical. Everything I wanted out of a CHiPs movie. Michael Pena was incredible as Ponch. And I really thought I did a - I mean Dax did a wonderful performance as Jon Baker. I'm just hoping that selling my appendix to the black market can really help progress a sequel. Sold it for almost half a million dollars as wel-" Sax instantely stopped his statement just right as his mustache came falling off his face. He looked a lot more like Dax without the stache too. He hopped right on his knees and demanded us to leave - almost threatening us with the cops - so we did as he told. Anyways, what is your impression on this very heartfelt story? Do you think an appendix is worth half a million dollars? Let us know in the comments and be sure to look at our other Unreel stories. Please? We really need it. Just don't be a cunt. You're probably thinking to yourself "wait just a minute. What in the hell does this have to do with movies?" Well there Unreel Subscriber - it doesn't. However, we thought this was a good enough news to break. According to Entertainment Monthly (the autistic cousin to Entertainment Weekly) - author of the New York Times Bestseller 'GooseBumps', R.L Stine - has confessed that he has in fact had hot steamy sex with Stephen King's wife. This is what he said in the interview. "Oh, we did more than just cuddle. We went right at it. It was possibly the best love making I've had in years too. She even said I was better than that cuck, Stephen. We hopped right onto the bed inside a Best Western and did the dirty. I demanded her to spank my ass and call me Slappy - just like a character from my Goosebumps books. When we were doing it doggy style - I would whisper in her ear "Say Cheese and Die!" or "Welcome to Camp Nightmare". Those are also titles from my Goosebumps series. Then right after we were done - we just lied in the soft and plushy hotel bed thanks to Best Western. Their beds are quite comfy. Just about a week ago, she told me she was pregnant. Guess you could say I gave her the... Goose Bumps!" Stephen himself has yet to comment on this situation. Probably weeping like a bitch about it. More updates on this story as it develops. You may know Blumhouse productions from making such hit horror films such as The Purge, Insidious, Get Out, and of course Jem and the Holograms. Their static is smart and simple. Make a horror film that cost less then your family and make 10 times the budget from ticket sales. You would never think a studio like this would have money issues. Well, it happened. According to our foreign cousins over at Discussing Film, it seems Blumhouse is now in a rut. Reports are saying that CEO, Jason Blum accidentally dropped a ten dollar bill while buying make up from a Halloween store. During an interview, Mr. Blum spoke out on the situation. This is what he said: "I was just out, picking up some spooky ghosts masks and ghoul make up for Sinister 3. Oh shit, I shouldn't have told you that. Oh well. Anyways, as I went back to my office, I started to count the money I had leftover. I had a few five dollar bills and a twenty. However, the ten dollar bill I had was missing. That ten dollar bill was supposed to go towards Sinister 3. Now i'm gonna have to let a few people go. I'll first start with my niece Karen - she's a total bitch". Sinister 3 has now delayed production as well as the next fifteen purge movies. So what are you views on this? Will Blumhouse make it through? Will Jason fire his bitch of a niece, Karen? Let us know in the comments and be sure to follow us for more Unreel News. Our President of the United States, Donald Trump is quite possibly the biggest piece of shit in the world right now. However, it seems he did one act of kindness. And that is letting a young boy mow his grass. Surprised the kid wasn't a Latino. Anyways, ever since this big event, it seems this 11 year old by the name of Frank Giaccio has been getting a lot of attention. And even his own movie. Now it's being reported from our good friends over at Discussing Film that STX Entertainment is now moving forward with a 'Frank the lawnmower boy' movie. Oscar nominated screenwriter Dan Gilroy (Nightcrawler, Kong: Skull Island) has been attached to pen the script. The synopsis goes as this: "A young boy by the name of Frank writes a letter to the President of the United States to mow the White House lawn. What they don't know is Frank is actually a young soviet spy who uses the letter as a distraction to sneak into the white house and assassinate the president once and for all". Now there's no word on who will actually be directing the project. My pick would be Joss Whedon. But that's not a likely chance. The studio is also aiming for Finn Wolfhard from 'IT' and 'Stranger Things' fame to play the title role. 'Frank the Lawnmower Boy' is scheduled for October 21st 2018. Coming off the huge success of 'X-Men: Apocalypse'. Screenwriter and producer, Simon Kinberg is now stepping up in the big boy league by standing behind the camera and yelling "action". Production on the highly anticipated installment, 'X-Men: Dark Phoenix' has been going pretty smoothly... until now. Our good pals over at Discussing Film are reporting that Mr. Kinberg has left the director's chair. That's mainly because he is now confirmed missing. Heads over at 20th Century Fox are looking all over the studio lots, wondering where he might've gone. We talked to one of the studio execs as he was enjoying a nice roast beef foot long sandwich from Subway - which are now going on sale for 3.25 this Saturday only. This is what he stated. "Of course we're pissed. We're giving away a 200 million dollar budget movie over to a guy who's never directed in his life. That's like giving an amputee some driving lessons. Now he's probably tied up in a tool shed, being taken hostage. Or even worse... finding another job. Anyways, we hired a few police on the look out and put out few flyers around town. We're not giving out any rewards though. By the way have you tried this sandwich- HOLY SHIT. THERE'S A FINGER IN MY SANDWHICH" We thanked the exec for his time and walked across the street to buy a roast beef foot long from Subway. So what are your thoughts on this news? Where in the world is Simon Kinberg? Let us know in the comments and be sure to follow us for more Unreel News. We'll keep you guys posted as this story develops. Viacom gives spike tv the greenlight for 'The Spongebob Adult Party Cartoon' will air in 20189/13/2017 By Wyatt J.P
Hey! Remember when John K. and Spike TV raped your childhood with The Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon? Well get the lube out because it's happening again with Nickelodeon's longest running series Spongebob Squarepants If you don't know Spike TV revived the popular 90s cartoon Ren and Stimpy back in 2003 and was rated TV-MA. The series included gay sex jokes and a scene in which literal shit is turned into a living baby. Viacom made the following statement at a press conference about the Spongebob Adult Party Cartoon. Well what the fuck else does this little yellow shit have going for it?! Ya know Well this is an interesting turn for Nickelodeon let's hope it works out. By Wyatt J.P
With DC announcing movies faster than you can say Salsa Verdé. We haven't heard anything from the producer of the film Martin Scorsese. But as a huge surprise he may not no anything either. I was at Martin's house door for about 5 hours knocking on the door. Finally someone answers, however it was Martin Lawrence. My lead gave me the wrong address, I should've known based on the fact that the house was run down and had a giant advertisement for 'Martin' on BET. Lawrence called me a cracker and drove me outta town. After brutally murdering the lead that I previously trusted I was able to find Scorsese's home in New York I busted open the door after taking a bump of the ol' fun snow and got right in the old dude's face and asked him about his involvement in the Joker movie he said this. Joker?! WHAT?! What do ya mean like the card?! Man let me tell you what my grandfatha used to play cards with me and if I drew the joker card he gave me a wet willy in my bum bum and I'll tell ya this it tickled me to tears! Oh and I remember afterwards waking up with this sticky stuff all over me! didn't know what da hell it was but I liked the taste kinda like one of them aiolis oh boy I love aiolis my favorite is Guy Fieri's have I told you bout da time I met him?! Just then I OD'd on the fun powder I snorted and woke up in the hospital. Looks like Joker the movie is dead. Excuse me I have to go take a piss test for the doc. Phil lord, chris miller and colin trevorrow team up in an attempt to buy lucasfilm from disney9/7/2017 By (the returning) Wyatt J.P
Well now that Lucasfilm has pretty much become WB which has become Sony Pictures, it was only a matter of time before Colin Trevorrow exited Star Wars Episode 9. But now things are heating up and the future of Lucasfilm could be changed forever...again. Phil Lord and Chris Miller who directed 2/3rds of the upcoming Han Solo film have joined forces with Colin Trevorrow to buy Lucasfilm from Amy Pasc- I mean Kathleen Kennedy. The directing trio are calling themselves "The Han" and released the following statement. "We are not the disease. We are the cure. We do not fear, because we are fear. We will take what was taken from us. We will be the dawn of a new day. We are not the bad guys. We are not the good guys. We are. The Han." Very cryptic nonetheless. We will definitely keep you updated on what happens next with The Han and Lucasfilm. The highly anticipated horror adaptation 'IT' will be floating in theaters September 8th. Stephen King fans and horror fans from across the globe are awaiting it's release. However, they seem to be very dissapointed in one thing. If you haven't read the novel (which you probably haven't cause that shit is long) then you might know that the main kid characters have an orgy inside the sewers. It sounds very messed up but it's part of the lore so it's important. And why is it not going to be included in the movie? I went to the press junket and asked director Andrés Muschietti about the desicion. This is what he said. "I actually filmed the kid orgy. It was quite beautiful - very well shot and what not. I do give myself some props for that too. Sadly, the studio came in and thought it was a little too much, making me cut out the scene. Thankfully, they allowed me to put it in the extended edition so hey, that's something. I'm just glad people will be able to see it too. I watch it every day. Sometimes, I even get aroused". I slowly walked away from the director and quickly left the building. So, are you happy about this news? Do you think that director might be a pedophile? Let us know in the comments if you have any information on the man. Don't forget to follow us for more Unreel News. |
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